My boss is the guy I always encounter right in front of the mirror. I always have the option of hitting the snooze button and dozing off till mid-morning. In other instances, I prefer letting go of sleep just to complete the projects I’m working on. I also get to devote more time with the United Methodist Youth Fellowship. I just fear though that in the very near future, I might just wake up one day and find myself at the seminary. Heaven forbid!
Really. It’s perfect! Well… Almost.
When 2007 called it quits and 2008 entered the scene, I should have started pounding on my laptop’s keyboard and churned as many articles as I could. But no! I’ve been wondering since last week what could possible by wrong. Could it be writer’s block? Could it be I’m bored? Feeling constrained by the four corners of the apartment where I’m staying everyday of my life? Perhaps I miss the feeling of commuting to work and enjoying an “enforced” social life, talking to people—those that I like and those that are not.
I enjoy solitude a little too much that I tend to neglect my need of other people. This came as a realization a few years ago. Right now, I have my housemates to help me keep my sanity. And I don’t really mind staying home the whole day. But if you do it everyday, it gets to you and maybe I’m showing signs of becoming neurotic. Or psychotic. Whatever!
I know this for sure because the level of my writing output for the first half of January is dismal. Lamentable. Utterly miserable. I wonder how I will ever get through the month of February. I’ve also had tardy submissions. Ugh. Shameful! How can I be successful in this business if I continue being like this?
It’s no good berating myself! I did rather well in December but I was under pressure to do so because of the extreme busyness that the holiday season brought. I guess I’m still reeling from my holiday fever and it takes me some time to pick up steam and work… work….work! I need a break! I want to go home. I want to set my eyes on my hometown’s green fields and enjoy a break from my routine.
I’m going crazy. I have even contemplated getting a call center job again. A part-time job at least so I can have the semblance of a social life again and a normal life at that. Maybe that’s what I want. Maybe not. Maybe I just need a break. I’ll get my break this week.
Dealing with a Freelancer’s Alone-ness
On a more serious note, as a freelancer, I would have to deal with the difficulties of being alone. Being a writer is essentially a lonely job. So said my fave Christian author Philip Yancey. I agree. Not that I am already a writer. At least I am trying to be one. I love solitude. I’ve said gazillion times already. But I could never deny that I need other people—for conversations, for intellectual battles and discussions, and even the simple reminder that there is a world out there… that I’m not alone in whatever I am going through. Being alone makes you forget that sometimes.
I have chosen this life. I still have a number of projects—some of them are really big it would take me time to complete them. But I love this work now. I love my job even if it makes me painfully aware of my alone-ness most of the time. I’ve been in this freelance business since October and I’m still adjusting in my chosen career path. I dunno where exactly this path will lead me but I know it’s not gonna be the skid row. The road I’ve taken is a lot like the roads going to Novaliches—full of holes and bulldozers along the way but in time, I will get the hang of it and make it big.
That’s my dream though. I’m still wrestling with my alone-ness, maybe bordering on madness. So for tonight, I’m taking the last trip to Isabela and set my eyes on the green fields of my home town and breathe the fresh air and renew my creative spirits.
Agpakadaak pay. Puli na. Sayonara. I’m going home.